dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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