she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Randomize
