My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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