I love black thongs
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
