You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
