how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
