My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Randomize
