Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
