Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
