You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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