i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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