I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
