I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
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