So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Randomize
