everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
