I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
