I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
