fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
