Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
