he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Randomize
