i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
