I'm so fucking centered right now
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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