Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
