What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
