Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Liz is crying about burritos again.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
