yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
one two three fourrrrnication!
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
