My cat gives me a boner
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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