Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
you told grandpa to call you daddy
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
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