Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Randomize
