After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
