i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
