Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
