I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
So here I am, sexting at work.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
