Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
