smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
