I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
