i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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