You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
