ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
