Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
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