I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
