Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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