im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
