so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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