That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
