i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
