well I can't set my house on fire every night
he wants to bone in the snuggie
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
