I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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