Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
