Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
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