dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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