I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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