It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
