I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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