Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
