Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
