Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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